a boy met a girl (the recap) and the letter that never was

(Entry 21 is wrote to our song…lifehouse-you and me…..).
If anyone asked me (which they do oddly enough) do you believe in love at first site…I say no…belief is choosing to accept something, love at first sight exists and there’s nothing you can do about it….
Days were long, nights even longer, I’ve felt my fair share of pain over the years, I wouldn’t wish heart break on my mortal ememy! It hurts your very soul. I once said that the love I had for this woman and the love returned held me to this planet…with that gone, I was so lost!

……………Seconds…minutes…hours…days…weeks…months and years passed and I never changed……………..

I didn’t know the date or the month, to me it was still that same day even though many had passed long ago, I was broken, my poor old battered heart was struggling along…occasionally when the world wasn’t torturing me enough I would assist and torture myself with old memories, they caused me physical pain but I forced myself to listen, to remember and see! To see how truly foolish I was! I saw myself, Highschool, shocked by beauty, college smiling with absolute joy on my face and I laughed at the memories, what a fool I was to have believed this happiness was meant for me, it was obvious, someone else was meant for it but I’d stepped in the way just before they received it and I was mistakenly getting there happiness…
After about a year, I wrote a letter, to her, I didn’t have an address so I wrote down her parents address, I wrote everything inside it, all my naked thoughts and feelings…I poured my heart and soul into the pages of that letter…sealed and stamped it remains in my home…as it will forever, it became like the love story itself…the letter that never was…
I spent years in isolation, solitude, I didn’t speak for a long time…I wasn’t happy in life…
If I could do it all over again would I change anything? Not a damn thing!!! Even to spare myself the pain?…not a DAMN thing! The pain is my only reminder that at one time in my existence, true love blossomed in the pages of my book of life…
Do I hate her?…no not at all! I’m proud of her, she followed a dream and sacrificed everything that wasn’t a part of it, yes, that included me, but I don’t blame her, angels aren’t meant to be kept hold of……..
Have I seen her since…no
Do I still love her? Until the day I die…and beyond.
Am I in love with her…no.
On New Year’s Eve 2010, in the Lake District whilst my family waited for the clock to hit midnight, I went off into the dark Forrest and cloned a mountain…and waited…10…waiting…9…8…waited…7….6…..5…almost….4…….3….I closed my eyes and lifted my head towards the sky…..2…..and I whispered….’please….please let me let her go……………1…………………..
And now, well here I stand, 24 years old, the world at my feet and dreams in my head, I’m out there looking for love…will I find it and will I…could I love her more than the butterfly…truthfully…I don’t know…we shall see…I wonder sometimes, will I see her in the future…maybe married, maybe with children and who will I be with…if she’s with someone, will that old hatred kick in or will I offer him my hand…will I look into her eyes and see an old friend or an old love…I don’t know the future and that the exciting part…I don’t know what’s around the corner, I don’t what’s infront of me, but I’m going to keep putting one foot infront of the other until I get there…

Once upon a time…a cloud fell in love with a butterfly…like the cactus and the balloon…it was an impossible love……….
They say you find out who you are in university…that’s a lie…I found out who I was in Highschool…a kid who chased love around the world until he became a man…a man who gave his best shot at being enough…a man…who smile because at one time……..he was enough……….

To the butterfly……I miss you.

To the readers…this is the true story of when I fell in love, my first name isn’t Logan, that’s to keep who I really am a secret. Thankyou for taking the time to read my story…I don’t know you, your now a part of my life…

To myself…keep putting one foot infront of the other…

Next…there will be another blog but this tale…is over. If you in love this day, I’m happy for you and I envy you, if your heart broken tonight, you will never ever get over it…but you will get used to it, if your not in love…you don’t know what your missing out on…

Mr Clyde Cloud…the email…and the end

(Entry 20 is first written to Mr Ronan Keating-when you say nothing).

We were now running on borrowed time, this was by far worse than any other time in our history…I’d let myself believe this was it, I’d had a conversation with my brother, he knew me, knew my feelings for people so he knew for a long time, how much this girl meant to me, it wasn’t a question, merely a statement, ‘your going to marry this girl’…
I saw it all in my head…from the proposal to the wedding and beyond, I’m not going to describe what I saw…I don’t think I have it in me to do so…
Everything now was so intense, from talks, to messages, to looks, hugs and kisses. Each one had to mean something!! And they needed to be remembered! I was strong…for her, I told her many times this won’t be a problem, and honestly, she did truly believe me…I didn’t believe myself…
‘Im going away’ those worst cut through me like a blade, they were acid in my mouth…all I wanted to say was ‘stay with me’…she wants this, I knew she did…I wasn’t going to say a single negative thing about it…if anything, I’d dug my own grave, thrown myself in…and covered it back up over me…but to see her smile…was worth any pain I was going to suffer.
We enjoyed ourselves though, we spent all out hours filled with things to do, from the cinema to doing absolutely nothing…together!
Our last night together arrived…I hated it when she cried, if anyone…anyone I knew cried around me it had absolutely no effect on me whatsoever!!! When she cried it tore me up inside! I lifted her chin up and looked into her eyes, I took a mental picture of them, how the green was so vibrant and just how deep they were…I would never forget this moment! Now was not the time for sadness…I had to make this might memorable!!! I held her face as I often did, she closed her eyes as she took the gesture to be me caring, cheering her up…as we know, I was making sure this angel was still real…I stroked my fingers down one side of her face, ordering my fingers to remember how her skin feels, I leant forward and kissed her neck and inhaled, letting her strawberry scent intoxicate my brain, she put her arms around my body and I felt drops of tears land on my t shirt, I caught one under her eye and wiped it away…’no more tears I said’…she hugged me as tight as she could and we had our last passionate kiss…I felt stronger and weaker from it…she parted and looked into my eyes, I picked her up and held her as high into the air as I could…and slowly started spinning her around slowly and then quicker and quicker until I heard the sound I’d been waiting for to make this moment complete…her laughter…night closed in and we went inside…the rest of that night is locked away and remains in my heart…not for the pages on this blog………………………………………….
(Part two is conveniently written to theory of a deadman-Santa Monica).
She was still mine and I hers…but my drug was gone…it was torture, physical, mental and spiritual torture!
I felt a heavy iron weight pulling down on my heart everyday…I wanted…I longed to just touch her, feel her little fingers find my hand and wrap herself through my fingers…to smell her hair, to kiss her lips, life was torture…sleep brought me no peace…I dreamt of her everysingle night…I’d wake reaching for her only to find an empty bed…I didn’t go back to sleep then, I didn’t want to be the joker of my own thoughts anymore, sleep didn’t exists for me in those days.
My soul was aching.
A call a week I was getting (no mobiles allowed because of the work she was doing). Hearing her voice was like getting a small hit of the drug…it eased the pain but the after effects were much worse every time, our calls were brief, not even five minutes, everything was on someone else’s time…I hated it!!!! And then she found a way…like every morning I collected my post only to find a letter addressed to ‘Mr Clyde Cloud’…my heart buckled…I held the letter in my hands for a long time, I opened it and it was a letter wrote on the pages of a diary…the pages were bordered with butterfly’s…she was missing me greatly, she filled me in on what was going on there and she wrote ‘I love you’ a hundred times…I smelt the letter hoping to catch some of her scent…
(Part three wrote to Jim Croce-time in a bottle).

Time crept on slowly, she was a part of me, without her, I found it hard to function, I didn’t know what my purpose was, I struggled every single day, nothing compares to love, it can make a man a king and it can make a man a begger…
Over the weeks I received two more letters…the last…was a few lines long…by this point I was mess. I couldn’t contact her and it was killing me…on the occasional five minute phone call we got…we argued…over the stupidest things and after the call I would break everything in site and scold myself for being so stupid!!!
All I wanted to say was ‘I love you’ and how much I cared but it all came out wrong…on the last call she told me a computer arrived and she was going to create an email…this made me very happy…(how ironic)…

(Part four wrote to Jeff Buckley-hallelujah…a song that I chose for us along time ago because I believed ‘The O.C’ mirrored our Highschool life).

I was in love, I loved someone with all my heart and all my soul, and with everything that made me a man, I lived her with that too! I would have fought the world for this woman…id loved her, this girl, my whole life, from being a lost child to a mistake making man…I loved her…I’d spent entire nights watching her sleep and entire days making her laugh, to her, I think, I was a man, who she loved with all her heart, someone she truly loved…to me, this girl was an angel, from heaven it’s self…people can change sure, but only aspects of their personality…this woman changed to to the core! I had said the words I…love you…and I had unbelievably…heard them back…
Then I got the email…
It was all over…
It was the end…
How easy for me to write that, ‘it was the end’ how easy!!! Yet in life when I read this email for the thousandth time…it was not easy…it was hard!
I didn’t do anything for a long, long time, I just sat there, not thinking and not really seeing anything, I sat there in the shadow and I knew deep inside I knew…something special in me had just died…
I didn’t shout or scream, I didn’t smash my computer up or go out and get drunk…what I did was much worse…I did nothing…I sat there…and I didn’t move, and then I did the worst thing i could have ever done for my own pride…I emailed and emailed and emailed back asking her to reconsider…
Afterwards I stood up, my entire body was numb, I had to avoid everybody, I could feel fire inside me and I would have exploded…I went into the woods and as the night of forever close in around me I with all my mite starred into the heavens and at the stars, I knew then and there in the silence with a deafening finality…it was all over, and I knew without question, it was over forever…I said one thing quietly out loud…it was a promise…’never again’ and I turned and walked back through the woods and into the open world and I knew in those last few steps before emerging from the Forrest…once again…she had changed me………
Next…a boy met a girl (the recap) and the letter that never was…

Bad news and the teapot…

(Chapter 19 is written simply to Ry x-Berlin).
Out tastes in things were very similar, was this just chance or did I…or we both subconsciously lose our old linings to take on the likings of our other half…she was better than me in everyway and so perhaps naturally, I liked what she liked to be more like her…an impossible task…
At that time in my life I didn’t (had never) drank tea or coffee (I still don’t drink tea I just use it for dipping biscuits…custard cremes and malted milks if your curious).
We like vintage shops and vintage cafés, away from the ruffians in Starbucks ;-)…
We stumbled upon a little tea/coffee shop I’d somehow never heard of or seen in my entire time in the city…and what’s even stranger…I can’t find the thing to this day!
It was a narrow but long building and it was called the teapot…you could but teapots and cups and little gifts in there…I fell in love with the place, I didn’t really fit in with the crowd and got a lot of odd looks…’what is this caveman doing in here’ kind of looks, but I was used to this nature of cover judging…we went there only a handful of times, her friend (the quiet one I liked who removed herself from the room the first time we met)…she hd originally informed us of this place (I made a mental note to thank her).
She drank tea, I drank hot chocolate and we read books and talked to one a other…..I don’t know what’s going to happen in my life, but I know that when I’m a very old man and the days are closing in…I will have some very…very good memories to take with me…
Unfortunately of course there were times when I had to leave, to go home, to work and to study…I took to leaving her many hidden love letters around her room, each one containing a clue to where the next note lay hidden, she enjoyed this. Then one day I decided notes were simply not enough, I bought a large exercise book from the shop and one afternoon whilst she was in a lecture…I began…I filled every page with stories of our life and every page finished with a drawing to Summarise the story within…I left a trail of paper notes, her not expecting to find the book of course and when she did, she didn’t say anything to me, she merely handed me the book from where it was clenched to her body and smiled, slightly confused I opened it and understood…every page was stained with drops of her tears…she liked it…I was happy…what happened next, broke my heart…in a good way…
I was trying my best to shower in the telephone box shower, she was in the room but leaving shortly, I finished my long and painful shower and came out into the room, she had already gone…on the desk…in plain view was a book…I recognised it’s size and shape as one I had recently purchased…the next couple of hours were spent with me…reading and re-reading the story of The Cloud and The Butterfly…she had penned me my own story back…finishing with ‘I know we are meant to be together forever’……………………………………………………………
A new bar/club was opening, a cool, hip place, with leather sofas and decking, the kind of place you smoked cigars and drank whiskey and pretended you liked it…but the music was good as friends were there…so we decided that weekend, we would go……………………………………….
The week leading up had been…uncomfortable, I knew something was wrong, different but I didn’t know what…she hugged mein get and kissed me more sadly then ever before…it was killing me. We were together and close but distant again…I didn’t like it…I knew she would tell me, I never pushed her, she’s known me all my life, better than anyone, she knew if it was a problem that I could help her with I’d have known straight away…this told me this was worse…it must be a problem…with me…not good…
I would catch her now looking at me from time to time and she looked sad when she did…something was coming and i was going to fight it with all my strength!!!
The night of the club arrived…as usual the gang walked to it as we always walked, the city was big but together we didn’t care the walk was part of the night…the bar was (to my shock) beautiful, it was decorated in rich dark wood, arm chairs and benches made from mahogany stood in odd places all around, there was a spiral staircase that led downstairs and to outside which had higher and lower decking it was charming!…as usual we drank and we talked, we all grew so close in those days of drink and fine conversations…life was limitless and problems only existed to the extent of…i don’t think I can get many more drinks in me…but we always did…we were all spaced out through this enchanting bar…some upstairs, some on the stairs and some in armchairs…me and here were sitting on the decking, surrounded by people walking by and the occasional hello from recognised and unrecognised faces…she say legs crossed and I sat facing her with one leg hanging off the decking onto the floor…it was coming and I knew it was going to be bad news…she studied my face for a long time…we didn’t beat around the bush…we knew each other too well…’I’m going away’ she said……………………
I had a one in a million defence mechanism…before those words could slice me open I was able to instantly shut my brain and body down to just become an unthinkable mouth….
She told me the details…3 months away with very little contact…she was beginning to overflow…I told her (and somehow I meant it)…’it fine…what is three months compared to a lifetime’…
She burst into tears and hugged me telling me she loved me over and over…I don’t mind admitting…I came very…very! Close to tears myself in that moment but i held myself strong for her…
I was going to make this work…distance and time I was wrong…they hadn’t become my friend…they were pulling there greatest trick yet…making me feel safe and secure only to knock the feet from under me…
Next…Mr Clyde Cloud…the email…and the end!

Men like men and the angel who got her wings…

(Chapter 18 is written to fleetwood mac-everywhere).

Life was different now…the night of all nights had seen to that.
If I was connected to this woman before…I was part of her makeup now as she was mine.
Everything in life clicked into place. Time was no longer and enemy, it became a great friend bending to my will, becoming infinite when we were together and flying past when we were apart and thanks to distance joining our merry band…distance was no longer a problem…we were boyfriend and girlfriend but we lived like an old married couple, taking turns cooking eating our meals (always seemed to be a curry) on our knees in the dorm room listening to music…
We explored the city by day, on summer days we’d take a bag filled with books and supplies and head out to parks, we’d lay in the hot grass and read and eat and just be! Of course the parks were full of other students which made the experience all the more pleasurable…there was…exotic smells in the air from the ‘smokers’ and also a considerable amount of BBQ’s which made me a little stir crazy…(I wanted to join them but I wasn’t leaving this spot for all the chicken in the world). And as cliche as it sounds…there was always…always that one guy with his guitar!! But in secret I loved those guys. There’s nothing better than a soundtrack to your life…
By night we of course hit the city!!
We had our usual clubs…whenever those nights pop into my head I’ll stop whatever I’m doing and devote some time to reminiscing…honouring them as they deserve…
So one night we decided that (as the a part of it was literally a 30 second walk) we should try the ‘Gay village’…now, I’d heard of this place but naturally, I’d never been. We set out, the entire gang…as I say we were very close to the strip of clubs so you could see it instantly, there was a canal behind it and lights in trees every few steps, laughter poured out from bars and clubs where windows were painless and it looked incredible to me…we hit the strip, me and her and the gang…the night went amazingly, we laughed till we cried and drank till we couldn’t remember crying…mostly everyone was laughing at my embarrassment and her frustration…I’d never been ‘hit on’ by a man before and I don’t know why I didn’t think it could happen…of course this is the place where men like men!! At first I was extremely embarrassed but as the evening crept on and the drinks flowed I did (guilty) work it to my advantage…’can I buy you a drink’ a young man asked…’sure’ I replied and I never paid for another drink all night…everyone laughed and since that night I’ve been back many, many times. Everyone left for home but me and the butterfly took a stroll, just being canal street was a very very small but beautiful park, lights and trees covered the grass and we sat down on a bench, smiles slapped across our faces from the nights adventures and I let my head fall back and I looked up at the stars….one whooshed across the sky lighting it as it flew…I closed my eyes…but did not wish…I just said…’thank you’…she heard me and said ‘what’…I looked down at her, held her face as I do and I said with all the meaning I could muster…’thank you’…I don’t think she ever understood the intensity of that moment, she became a little overwhelmed and I felt her hands tighten around me, I’ve never felt so at peace and ease ever before in my life…it was like I was awake and dreaming at the same time, we sat there for hours until I heard little snores from beside me…I shook her gently but from her deep drunken sleep…she did not wake…i lifted her up in my arms and I carried her home…people looked on, maybe they spoke but I didn’t care…I was looking after the butterfly…I looked down at her, her head leaning in deep towards my chest…her arms one on her body the other loosely hanging down…her legs in my arms, the floor beneath her the sky over head…that night, the angel got her wings….
Next…bad news and the teapot..

The doormen and the night of all nights…

(Entry 17 is penned to the tune that was always on repeat in those uni dorm room days…John Mayer-your body is a wonderland).

Now it had gotten to the point where I wasn’t doing the odd flying visit, I was going up and staying for days…at certain points I was there for weeks…
Of course we slept in the same bed but nothing (if you follow me) ever happened…I sure as hell wasn’t going to make a move…(naturally I had done a few…lots!!!!! Of times with other girls 😉 but not with her). I was TERRIFIED of even thinking about that! I’d wanted it for so long so join together in love! But we never spoke of it and at that time it wasn’t missing…she lay on top of me and slept and I was in heaven with that. I run at about a 1000degrees…that tiny room with all the computer and laptop and music player always on and tiny window was unbearable for me…I couldn’t sleep even if I wanted to but I’m glad I never did…I got to witness something wonderful…her sleep talking…I won’t be telling anything I heard in those long nights…there for me…and me alone!
We were given a fan from someone and it mad everything worse! Battered warm air directly into my face…
We became know as ‘I and her’…everyone took us as a package deal, we usually took turns cooking and ate in her dorm room, occasionally joining all the others, you know I really truly loved those days…I’d get there and always force open the doors, stop at the vending machines get a double decker for me and the same for her and some drinks and off upstairs I went…we did shops at the little off licence under the bridge and went for meal in the city where she had a habit of stealing glasses and cutlery…try weren’t needed she just liked to take them…
So it was weekend and party time…and my friends could drink and party but these guys were professionals…so we got very drunk all of us together (she got me into drinking gin and lemonade at this point). And off we went into the city there were two clubs we always went to (i walk past them sometimes with fond memories)…and then anyother we fancied…now the first time we went to the club unbeknown to be you needed student ID to get in…no one mentioned it because they were just so used to me being there they thought I had one…the doorman looked at our group and asked for ID’s…I didn’t have one and devastatingly the people infront without got turned away…not good…I’ve no student ID…I’ve come to see her and I pointed. Then truly one of the most unexpected and frankly weird things in my life happened…the doorman looked at me for a few moments then called his colleague over…he spoke to him and next moment out group is being led to the front of the que…inside…up the stairs without paying and straight to the bar…the doorman then shook my hand and before leaving laughed and said ‘your a big cxxt!!’ I didn’t know what the hell had just happened!!! All the guys and girls cheered and most kindly all bought me drinks!
We found a sofa to sit on and all made the absolute most of the evening, dancing while the lights blurred and spun around my head, friends all around laughing and joking, her female friends telling her how good we looked together and the male friends pouring shots down my throat…we laughed a lot that night and then…filled with liquid courage…I pulled her body in close to mine, looked in her eyes and as the music sang on, and the friends danced, in the middle of all this stood a man and a woman, kissing like they were the only people in existence…then lost all my confidence when she grabbed my wrist and said…’let’s get out of here’…we told our friends we were leaving and to my and her devastation they all began to cheer and hoot loudly together…we left and were onto the city streets…we walked and kissed our way back to the corridor and into her room…we lay down on the bed and stared into each other’s eyes for the longest time…I was lost and found inside them at the same time…I asked her…’are you my girlfriend’…she smiled and laughed and said…’of course I am’…I touched her face, this was something I always did, I would hold her face…she thought it was a caring gesture…I was making sure she was real…I kissed her chin, each cheek, her nose, her forehead and her lips, she put her hands on my body………………………………………………..

The next morning (😉)…
After the night of all nights we woke at the same time…I didn’t know if I was dreaming or lastnight I’d died and not known and this was heaven either way…I wasn’t complaining…I looked down at her…she said ‘I love you’ and kissed me…I closed my eyes and said a quick prayer…asking God to let this moment never end…
Next…men like men and the angel who got her wings…

Real students don’t open automatic doors…

(Entry 16 smells best with a drop or two of five for fighting-easy tonight).

So…many things change about a person after leaving Highschool and the changes continue when college grows to an end and university approaches. My friends (the ones who went to college) weren’t going into university. They were either getting jobs…or not really doing anything. I was at the time working in a supermarket and at a gym whilst going to college (no one else was going to give me anything so I had to go get it myself as should always be the way!!!).
The supermarket job was soul destroying! 6am-11pm…the lorry pulls up in the morning and I alone would have to unload all 20+ pallets and then stack them all onto the shelves around the store and jump on the tills when needed while the managers stayed in their little office avoiding work at AT&T costs…however I made some amazing friends there…one I could write about for many chapters…maybe I will at some point but anyway back to the story…
Life was progressing nicely for me, great friends, a unbelievable social life and home life was becoming peaceful after all these years…my mother was finally begging to see I wasn’t my father as she’d feared and life was good…very good. I was single, but had dated often but I couldn’t commit and I was always honest which resulted in me making lots of amazing friends!
Of course not all of them were happy with this and wanted to know why…when I told them, they we’re offended…’so she’s better than me is that it!?!’ And unfortunately I wasn’t able to clearly explain what I meant, I never thought of it as a case of better or worse…I just thought of her…full stop. But hormones and testosterone cannot be held in submission for long let me tell you!! The dates that continued, naturally I developed feelings for them and they for me, I was of course told at points ‘you know I love you don’t you’ and this broke my heart…I didn’t know, and had to explain I was the one for them and by doing so was I plaguing them to a life like mine…I felt the answer was no, try didn’t…couldn’t love me the same as I loved her…they would find happiness, I was sure of it…
Time and life working together for the first time in my existence…and right on que…fate stepped in to kick me in the balls…
‘Ring…ring…ring’ I usually didn’t answer numbers I didn’t know…I’d given my number to a few select people all friends and no one would have shared it without asking me first just like I wouldn’t with theirs…maybe I’d been waiting for this call subconsciously…I don’t know…all i know is…when someone rings you off a number at 11pm on a Friday…you should probably answer it…so I did, I said hello….and heard that same reply that always came…’hey’…no fxxking way!!! She asked was this Jason…I confirmed and stupidly (like I didn’t know) is this ‘her’…she confirmed…I braced myself for the heart attack that was surely coming…
She asked me to go see her at her university dorm, Friday…11pm…I was (sadly) already in bed, who was I kidding, I would have gone at 3am…(which happened). So I ring a taxi and off I go…
The taxi driver is a bit of a talker and he’s telling me about his psychic friend…I don’t want to be rude so I say a few comments then allow myself to drift off into my mind to think, the roads from where I was to her were quiet, I started out of the window thinking about what the hell I was doing, why she rang me, how she always got my numbers and what was I going to say…I didn’t know exactly where she was staying, her and a friend from the corridor were going to meet me…I asked the driver to stop just short of the landmark I recognised from her description, I figured a walk would calm me, I paid the driver (50 pound bad times)…and out I got, he wished me luck (nice guy) and off he went…I stood there for a moment, I loved the sights and feeling of the city, I walked across the road and before I could even compose myself…’that’s him!!!’ I heard…and with a blow directly to my gut i was taken back to all those years ago standing at Alton towers when my name was yelled with happiness and I turned to see her skipping towards me…tonight mirrored that perfectly…she didn’t stop as I’d expected instead she crashed into me with a hug, I never got used to these first hugs, I was sure one of them would kill me. She stood back and we took each other in…to me oddly enough…she hadn’t changed, she was a perfect as the first day I ever saw her…I couldn’t understand it…she looked at me and let that slow smile creep over her face…she was beautiful!
I turned to her friend then surprised to feel that old hatred of males around her kick in, foolish (he turned out to be a friend and an amazing young man, who at that time I took to care for greatly). He looked me up and down and say ‘wow’…this made me laugh and he smiled and she laughed too and grabbed my hand, so carefree for her, as though only hours had passed and not years…off we went to her corridor; they were living in an hotel, and a whole side of the building had been transformed into a lot of dorm rooms, we climbed the stairs just before reaching the door for her corridor I heard a lot of voices…I wasn’t expecting to meet other people at all, I thought it was just us…into the kitchen/dining/living room we went, I fell in love with this place instantly, it was funny I remember her telling me to not get angry, the guys here were funny and she said they wouldn’t speak to me at first, they never speak to other lads they don’t know…I didn’t care in the slightest I was there for her and her alone…but things didn’t happen like we expected, when we entered everyone turned around, everyone stopped what thy were doing and everyone came over to say hello, she looked on confused and then smiled and I laughed…that night was one of the best of my life, of course every night spent with her was but I don’t want that to lessen my love of this first night…we drank, we played games and we talked at the city outside turned from purple, to black…to blue. After the games me and her went into her dorm room…I don’t know why but this made me extremely nervous…it was no bigger than a toilet cubicle…and I loved it! One window, a desk and a bed, nothing else! The walls were plastered with posters and things she had collected over the years of her life including a dream catcher…I still think of that little room to this day…I loved it. She sat on the bed…I awkwardly stood there…1. I wasn’t built for this room and 2. That bed terrified me!
In the end I couldn’t pretend to look at the poster any longer and sat down on the bed…she scrambled next to me and lay her head on my shoulder…if what we do in life echoes in eternity…let that night play over and over and over…it was time for me to go, now dread flashed across my face…do I kiss her!?! She answered my non spoken question by kissing me on the lips quickly and then standing back…she asked me to come back tonight (now Saturday) I agreed, I went home and screamed into my pillow for the next several hours…I thought about everything that happened…that kiss, sitting on the bed all night just resting on each other…we were older now…we had education and money in our banks…was this when everything came together for me, for her, for us???
I arrived at the entrance and was immediately stumped…the entrance doors demanded a student swipe card…which I didn’t have?!? I couldn’t climb to her window and she wasn’t answering her phone…I was not about to stopped by a door! I grabbed the thickest part of the door and prized them open…all minds of snapping and damage was coming from the doors but I didn’t care about that…some students came past (I should have just waited) they looked at me and I said ‘lost my card’ they smiled and walk on by…please!!!…real students don’t open automatic doors…
I made my way to the corridor and to her door…again stumped by a door!!!!!! Do I knock…or just walk in :-/…i knocked…no answer, I walked in…deserted (sorry, there was also a telephone box sized bathroom in each dorm room). She wasn’t in there…I sat on the bed and wondered what the hell I do now…I didn’t wonder long…
The door opened and in she came (she was in her friends room, this girl also followed in)…she litterally dove on me, so happy it shocked me, I hadn’t realised but I was quite early, her friend smiled at me, I had a lot of time for this friend…I liked her a lot. She said I’ll leave you to it and removed herself from the room.
The days went like this, I visited and we were happy, we spent time either her friends who had now become our friends and my thoughts of is this it…is this finally happening we’re growing stronger and bolder…
Next…doormen and the night of all nights…

The wolf pack and lost days…

(Entry 15 is affectionately written to the sound of Tiesto-wasted the Matthew koma version).

There I stood, fresh faced and with a new appreciation for life! I was reborn! And like a newborn I wanted to experience everything this strange new world had to offer…
I’d been in the dark so long it felt strange to be standing in the light…for the first time since year 7 Highschool…my head was clear, it wasn’t that I’d stopped thinking about her…it was that I just accepted she was in my head…and she wasn’t going anywhere…now…I was young…I was different and ready…now I needed plans!!! And as fate always did…fate stepped in….’Ring, Ring’…
After all this time, after all the absence and drifting apart…the voice on the other end spoke as if no time had passed…’I’ve got a mini bus and this weekend were going out of this town…to destroy a new town’…I smiled a big smile let me tell you, ‘I’ll be there’ I replied to my old friend…it was time to sow some wild oats…
As the weekend approached I found myself worrying over many odd things, I worried about what do I wear (it had been a long time since I been out to clubs!), how do I act? Should I drink? Surely no one expects me to dance?! This was going to be a difficult night!! I went shopping and picked up some new clothes for the weekend and headed home…a few hours later there was a knock on the door…’the boys’ had returned after all this time…as soon as they crossed into the house…everything fell back into place…we were…as we’d always been! Bonded by Highschool…they had brought drinks with them…lots of drinks, crates filled with cans, bags filled with bottles, some long, some short and square, some clear and some colourful…drinking had evolved from the 2 litre cider bottles from school…now I had a few more worries…I put some music on and we began to pre-drink…bottle caps flew around the room, glasses and beakers were thrashed together in spontaneous celebrations and cheers to random things…’let’s party…cheers!’…’this shirt is red…cheers!’…vodka burned my throat and alchopops went down like honey, I just out it down to my size that I could handle this early amount of alcohol as I’m sure I should have been dead! We decided that it was time to hit the road (our driving fried was getting really sick of drinking water and milk whilst we glugged down gallons of booze). We stopped in my living room to take the mandatory pre party photo pose (I need to find out how to upload photos…this would be a nice attachment right now)…so after tensing all out arms as hard as possible for the photo we hit the road, dressed in our tightest tops following y lead, jeans…and nice fancy shoes! The mini bus ride was…epic! The drive took about an hour…the music was loud! The weather was hot, the windows were down and we drank and sang the whole way there! Stopping once for fuel and food (and I do believe for some strange reason one of the guys bought some naughty magazines…what he did in that van will never be spoke of again…you know who you are). We arrived first to my friends fathers farm house…he had gone to spend the night with his girlfriend or wife (I’m not sure what they were I think there relationship was new). So we took over the house, grabbed an extension lead or five and set up a sound system one of his fields and in the setting sun we laughed and drank until the world slipped away and night fell…we felt like kings! But after all that drink…we must have looked like zombies! It was time to hit the town! And we hit it hard! In the taxi we decided we needed a play…(this is something you do to attract someone who catches your eye)…long story short with the help of the taxi driver (no one was sober now to drive)…we decided we were a gang…called the wolf pack…six young wolves…(this was before a certain movie coined my gangs name!!!!). Now remember before this next part…we…were…young! I wasn’t the tallest in out group, my friend was a few inches taller about 6ft 5, but I was by far the largest, and the smaller friends were in great shape themselves so naturally to us…this meant that every woman in the world…wanted our babies! Here there and anywhere (this was by no means the case!!!). The wolf pack story one was the ultimate woman repeller.
(Entry 15-part 2 is written to Kenny loggins-playin with the boys).
We entered the club like millionaires (there was probably 100pound between us all). No girl was safe, I stood at the bar whilst I watched my friends sleaze dance there way creepily up behind girls not noticing the sheer terror on the girls faces…mistaking it instead for ‘she wants me!!!!’…she didn’t…she really really didn’t! It was one of the best nights of my entire life, watching my friends try there luck, adopting new tactics when the previous one failed (I’d never seen them try so hard at anything like this). I stood by the bar occasionally walking through to make sure all was happy in the area of my friends…girls approached me more than I expected, it made me extremely nervous, my world was small, Highschool, I knew everyone…how could I not…there wasn’t many to know! College…same…these girls use never seen before and they didn’t know me either…I didn’t know what to do…I’m ashamed to say my first few replies were less than gentlemanly…’would you like to dance she said’…’no’ was all I said…then we awkwardly stared at each other until I tuned around and felt my face contort into that of a man sucking lemons…I knew that was not cool…so next time I tried harder…always refusing…people don’t realise and they take certain things for granted! This type of thing is a skill! A learned skill like shaving…and of course I had no fatherly figure to teach me these things so at this point I didn’t know a dance meant a quick dance and maybe a kiss or two…and depending on the area your in…maybe more than that…but i didn’t know, I thought these girls were looking for relationships and I couldn’t do that! I knew that even if I wouldn’t allow myself to think of the reason why…then it happened…so fast as it always does…I smelt strawberries…I spun around to see her standing there looking up at me with small curious eyes…she was the owner of the scent sure enough…just not the owner I was expecting see…she just looked at me like I was annoying her…to my surprise…I spoke…’erm…are you ok?’ I said…’why aren’t you dancing…you’ve stood here all night!!’ This tiny angry girl was accusing me…’erm…I’m sorry’ I said at this she smiled…grabbed my wrist and took me towards the dance floor…as usual my nervous over thinking kicked in but I knew it was best to stop thinking all together and the second before my feet touched the dance floor…I cleared my head, she was so odd! Just looking at me with this confused but pleasant expression on her face…my friend crashed into the pleasant moment by whispering to me…’your in there son’…I wasn’t going to be in anywhere and this didn’t help but her stare of death towards him upon hearing his screamed whisper made him quickly disappear and me laugh…that night was perfect, we danced, we all laughed and at the end of the night as though she new me for all my life, no kiss, she just hugged me for a long moment and slipped her number into my hand…one last hand pressed to my chest and a smile and she was gone…we called a taxi…he drove us to the farm house…I don’t recall what happened next but in the morning I was rudely woken by shouting and banging…there was a man locked in the conservatory…the taxi driver!!! We settled the very large but fair bill…and slept for a week…those were truly the lost days…lost though they may be…I certain found something great inside them…
Next…real students don’t open automatic doors…

A bad man and the devils return…

(Entry 14. This dark chapter of my life is penned to the haunting sound of greenday-wake me up when September ends).

You have to understand…all my hours were devoted to seeing her, when not with her I thought about her, so, even a week apart was torture.
As you know I learned to balance my life when time apart came between us but! After our last summer together…I was struggling…cracks were beginning to show, I wandered around town, my mood conveyed the approaching storm…cracks were showing…and I didn’t care! Soon enough I could push her from my mind entirely…I had to didn’t i? What life was this?!? Only…the only way I could push her from my mind was with blind rage, because I didn’t want to stop thinking about her…I changed…and not in a good way…
With a reputation that followed me from Highschool and my appearance (6ft3 and 16 stone bodybuilder) it wasn’t long before I was approached by a bad man…he offered me work…like a fool, I gave the devil mouth to mouth and helped him up onto my back…truly it was the devils return…I became truly lost…the reputation from Highschool was replaced by one it would take me an age to remove…from that moment on I fed my rage, I was given unlimited supply of ‘good’ to do so…hurting people because I was hurting became my life…they bled, my hands bled…my heart bled and further and further she slipped from thought…and further and further I slipped from humanity. I was adored by the bad men…a champion in their world…nobody could stand against me because…in order to kill the beast…you have to become the beast…nobody could become what I was…and still a child…I hadn’t grown into what I am today (but today…I protect…not hurt). I was put into the most dangerous situations, I was stabbed, burned, hit with bars and bottles…but my evil was great…I was always the one to leave…if she saw me now…what would she think…who had I become…one day sat in my room in the early hours of the morning (sleep had been a thing of the past for a long time now). The room was silent…no breeze no open windows nothing…my shoebox fell from off the top of my cupboard…I froze staring at it…my memory box of her…instantly images of her flashed in my mind…I pushed them away quickly…I don’t remember what happened next…all I remember is waking with her letter in my hands…I jumped up and ran to where the bad man were…I unleashed the full force of my pain onto them…there are no more bad men in my town anymore…
I found myself outside a church, it was closed but that didn’t stop me staring up into the heavens and asking for forgiveness…
A lot happened in these dark months but I cannot tell this chapter full…for my sanity…and my soul…
So there I was, standing in the street alone in the world as I had frightened and distanced myself from everyone…and as though as in answer to my prayer…an elderly woman…walked past me, smiled and said ‘hello young man’…she didn’t see a beast…she saw a kid stood at the side of the road…nothing more…I said goodbye to those days and I had a nickname which I won’t reveal here…I said out load ”insert nickname here”…is dead’…and I hugged the devil and forgave him and like breath in the winter…he vanished…
Next…the wolf pack and lost days…

Is there a name for this and gone with the wind…

(Entry 13-written to the beautiful Damien Rice-the blowers daughter).
We spent many days together, they weren’t the same as the old days but they certainly weren’t bad…it’s just we never made anything official to one another, we weren’t a couple but we also were not nothing! Is there a name for this…I don’t know, I called it being ‘on pause’…it was as though we both new…this wasn’t going to last, college would begin again soon and the cruel coldness of time and distance was stalking us ready to cloak us in it’s bleakness and desolation…it was so unfair, many night I spent running as fast as I could through the hills surrounding the meadow shouting at the stars…why…why,why,why, I never got my answer. I was fiercely ambitious back then (nothing compared to now) but then, no one could match my drive, but I would have given up on my dreams if I had the option of staying with her in those lazy, long summer days and summer nights…because when with her, that was my dream. It’s strange to think but although we spent so much time together, not many words were spoken, least by me…looking into her eyes, watching her, laying together in the grass, that’s all the communication I needed…words didn’t have the weight to convey the feelings I had for her. Were her feelings as strong as mine? I will say yes…I will hope yes…I will believe yes. I remember the first time she said the words I’ve wanted to hear all my life…’I love you’. My mind left my body, the devil that had been living on my back slipped and died and I felt free. I said it over and over again to myself in my head, replaying it over and over…I forced myself to remember everything about that
Moment, how she looked, the place, the Wheather…everything, to commit it to memory. I refused to let it go.
We said it often, even at time when we weren’t sure the other would here it…we said it. We whispered it, we shouted it…we even texted it (the mobile phone was beginning it’s take over). The free time grew closer to it’s end…I wanted to ask her one day…’come away with me tonight, we’ll make it happen’…but I never did…we knew our goodbyes were coming and even after so many…they didn’t get easier…they got brutally harder. I wanted to ask so many things, will I see you soon…will I see you again…change to my college, I’ll change to yours…I don’t want this to end…
I didn’t say any of those…I was too ‘In the moment’…so instead I did this…
I took her hands and gripped them tight! I said…’you see this, even when I let go now…I am never letting go of this!’ We embraced…we kissed and we hugged as the world turned and life moved on around us…and like leaves in the breeze…once again…she was gone with the wind…next…a bad man and the devils return…

Pubs and beer make magic happen…

(Entry 12. Written to semisonic-closing time).
I stare at the clocks…tick,tock,tick,tock,tick,torture!
I’m counting the seconds until the date can begin…time is being my enemy again tonight, creeping to a halt, getting dressed was the most stressful experience of my life for that date, top after top, jeans and pants (even shorts at one point) were thrown on and torn off…I couldn’t get it together, after taking two extremely cold showers, I felt a little but more relaxed and ready to try again, eventually I settled on a nice t-shirt and you guessed it…jeans and brown shoes…fast forward….
For some reason I’m feeling awkward, a lot of time has passed between us and honestly…I don’t know how to act, surely I’ve not been on her mind like she has mine? But then again…she is here right?…we chit chat and move from pub to pub, eventually we settle into a real dive! Heavy rock music is being poorly screamed down the microphone and the small pub is packed…making it awkward for my new dimensions to move inside, we found a round table awkwardly pushed into a corner, people sat on either side but we found a nice corner to sit in, with full view of the pubs strange sites and for a long time the laughs echoed and the drinks flowed…we had slipped into our old ways without even noticing, hands accidentally touched now and again and when this happened we both looked into each other’s eyes…(I believe more than a few ‘accidental’ touches were not so accidental, I know on my part they were not). With a head full of alcohol she shimmed closer to me and rested her head on my shoulder, to anyone looking, this would have been a picture of two people totally at peace…my body would have showed this but my head was absolutely racing!!!! Should I put my arm around her…what the hell do I do now…I sat there…not moving and trying to focus my thoughts…she lifted her head and I let mine fall a little, her lips accidentally brushed the side of my face…I’m sure the entire room could hear my heart beating…and possibly see it!
I pulled my head back and looked at her and she looked at me with soft eyes that I fell into for infinite hours…’I think you want to kiss me’ she tipsily said…before I could answer, her lips found mine…the feeling that followed was physical, I had been waiting…hoping for so long, so very long that I would kiss her again, I believed it would happen, I wanted it so very badly, and it was happening right now, a week ago I’d have called you crazy if you had said I’d be kissing her again…but right now my lips were on hers. ‘Excuse me, you can’t do that in here’…the old battle axe owner of the bar, she banned us for kissing…there were people doing much more in that pub…she just mustn’t have liked us. So laughing hysterically we left and went out into the night…I watched her spinning under the streetlight on the empty road and I smiled, I wished at that moment that I could say here forever…pubs and beer make magic happen…
Next…is there a name for this and gone with the wind…