Is there a name for this and gone with the wind…

(Entry 13-written to the beautiful Damien Rice-the blowers daughter).
We spent many days together, they weren’t the same as the old days but they certainly weren’t bad…it’s just we never made anything official to one another, we weren’t a couple but we also were not nothing! Is there a name for this…I don’t know, I called it being ‘on pause’…it was as though we both new…this wasn’t going to last, college would begin again soon and the cruel coldness of time and distance was stalking us ready to cloak us in it’s bleakness and desolation…it was so unfair, many night I spent running as fast as I could through the hills surrounding the meadow shouting at the stars…why…why,why,why, I never got my answer. I was fiercely ambitious back then (nothing compared to now) but then, no one could match my drive, but I would have given up on my dreams if I had the option of staying with her in those lazy, long summer days and summer nights…because when with her, that was my dream. It’s strange to think but although we spent so much time together, not many words were spoken, least by me…looking into her eyes, watching her, laying together in the grass, that’s all the communication I needed…words didn’t have the weight to convey the feelings I had for her. Were her feelings as strong as mine? I will say yes…I will hope yes…I will believe yes. I remember the first time she said the words I’ve wanted to hear all my life…’I love you’. My mind left my body, the devil that had been living on my back slipped and died and I felt free. I said it over and over again to myself in my head, replaying it over and over…I forced myself to remember everything about that
Moment, how she looked, the place, the Wheather…everything, to commit it to memory. I refused to let it go.
We said it often, even at time when we weren’t sure the other would here it…we said it. We whispered it, we shouted it…we even texted it (the mobile phone was beginning it’s take over). The free time grew closer to it’s end…I wanted to ask her one day…’come away with me tonight, we’ll make it happen’…but I never did…we knew our goodbyes were coming and even after so many…they didn’t get easier…they got brutally harder. I wanted to ask so many things, will I see you soon…will I see you again…change to my college, I’ll change to yours…I don’t want this to end…
I didn’t say any of those…I was too ‘In the moment’…so instead I did this…
I took her hands and gripped them tight! I said…’you see this, even when I let go now…I am never letting go of this!’ We embraced…we kissed and we hugged as the world turned and life moved on around us…and like leaves in the breeze…once again…she was gone with the wind…next…a bad man and the devils return…


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