Mr Clyde Cloud…the email…and the end

(Entry 20 is first written to Mr Ronan Keating-when you say nothing).

We were now running on borrowed time, this was by far worse than any other time in our history…I’d let myself believe this was it, I’d had a conversation with my brother, he knew me, knew my feelings for people so he knew for a long time, how much this girl meant to me, it wasn’t a question, merely a statement, ‘your going to marry this girl’…
I saw it all in my head…from the proposal to the wedding and beyond, I’m not going to describe what I saw…I don’t think I have it in me to do so…
Everything now was so intense, from talks, to messages, to looks, hugs and kisses. Each one had to mean something!! And they needed to be remembered! I was strong…for her, I told her many times this won’t be a problem, and honestly, she did truly believe me…I didn’t believe myself…
‘Im going away’ those worst cut through me like a blade, they were acid in my mouth…all I wanted to say was ‘stay with me’…she wants this, I knew she did…I wasn’t going to say a single negative thing about it…if anything, I’d dug my own grave, thrown myself in…and covered it back up over me…but to see her smile…was worth any pain I was going to suffer.
We enjoyed ourselves though, we spent all out hours filled with things to do, from the cinema to doing absolutely nothing…together!
Our last night together arrived…I hated it when she cried, if anyone…anyone I knew cried around me it had absolutely no effect on me whatsoever!!! When she cried it tore me up inside! I lifted her chin up and looked into her eyes, I took a mental picture of them, how the green was so vibrant and just how deep they were…I would never forget this moment! Now was not the time for sadness…I had to make this might memorable!!! I held her face as I often did, she closed her eyes as she took the gesture to be me caring, cheering her up…as we know, I was making sure this angel was still real…I stroked my fingers down one side of her face, ordering my fingers to remember how her skin feels, I leant forward and kissed her neck and inhaled, letting her strawberry scent intoxicate my brain, she put her arms around my body and I felt drops of tears land on my t shirt, I caught one under her eye and wiped it away…’no more tears I said’…she hugged me as tight as she could and we had our last passionate kiss…I felt stronger and weaker from it…she parted and looked into my eyes, I picked her up and held her as high into the air as I could…and slowly started spinning her around slowly and then quicker and quicker until I heard the sound I’d been waiting for to make this moment complete…her laughter…night closed in and we went inside…the rest of that night is locked away and remains in my heart…not for the pages on this blog………………………………………….
(Part two is conveniently written to theory of a deadman-Santa Monica).
She was still mine and I hers…but my drug was gone…it was torture, physical, mental and spiritual torture!
I felt a heavy iron weight pulling down on my heart everyday…I wanted…I longed to just touch her, feel her little fingers find my hand and wrap herself through my fingers…to smell her hair, to kiss her lips, life was torture…sleep brought me no peace…I dreamt of her everysingle night…I’d wake reaching for her only to find an empty bed…I didn’t go back to sleep then, I didn’t want to be the joker of my own thoughts anymore, sleep didn’t exists for me in those days.
My soul was aching.
A call a week I was getting (no mobiles allowed because of the work she was doing). Hearing her voice was like getting a small hit of the drug…it eased the pain but the after effects were much worse every time, our calls were brief, not even five minutes, everything was on someone else’s time…I hated it!!!! And then she found a way…like every morning I collected my post only to find a letter addressed to ‘Mr Clyde Cloud’…my heart buckled…I held the letter in my hands for a long time, I opened it and it was a letter wrote on the pages of a diary…the pages were bordered with butterfly’s…she was missing me greatly, she filled me in on what was going on there and she wrote ‘I love you’ a hundred times…I smelt the letter hoping to catch some of her scent…
(Part three wrote to Jim Croce-time in a bottle).

Time crept on slowly, she was a part of me, without her, I found it hard to function, I didn’t know what my purpose was, I struggled every single day, nothing compares to love, it can make a man a king and it can make a man a begger…
Over the weeks I received two more letters…the last…was a few lines long…by this point I was mess. I couldn’t contact her and it was killing me…on the occasional five minute phone call we got…we argued…over the stupidest things and after the call I would break everything in site and scold myself for being so stupid!!!
All I wanted to say was ‘I love you’ and how much I cared but it all came out wrong…on the last call she told me a computer arrived and she was going to create an email…this made me very happy…(how ironic)…

(Part four wrote to Jeff Buckley-hallelujah…a song that I chose for us along time ago because I believed ‘The O.C’ mirrored our Highschool life).

I was in love, I loved someone with all my heart and all my soul, and with everything that made me a man, I lived her with that too! I would have fought the world for this woman…id loved her, this girl, my whole life, from being a lost child to a mistake making man…I loved her…I’d spent entire nights watching her sleep and entire days making her laugh, to her, I think, I was a man, who she loved with all her heart, someone she truly loved…to me, this girl was an angel, from heaven it’s self…people can change sure, but only aspects of their personality…this woman changed to to the core! I had said the words I…love you…and I had unbelievably…heard them back…
Then I got the email…
It was all over…
It was the end…
How easy for me to write that, ‘it was the end’ how easy!!! Yet in life when I read this email for the thousandth time…it was not easy…it was hard!
I didn’t do anything for a long, long time, I just sat there, not thinking and not really seeing anything, I sat there in the shadow and I knew deep inside I knew…something special in me had just died…
I didn’t shout or scream, I didn’t smash my computer up or go out and get drunk…what I did was much worse…I did nothing…I sat there…and I didn’t move, and then I did the worst thing i could have ever done for my own pride…I emailed and emailed and emailed back asking her to reconsider…
Afterwards I stood up, my entire body was numb, I had to avoid everybody, I could feel fire inside me and I would have exploded…I went into the woods and as the night of forever close in around me I with all my mite starred into the heavens and at the stars, I knew then and there in the silence with a deafening finality…it was all over, and I knew without question, it was over forever…I said one thing quietly out loud…it was a promise…’never again’ and I turned and walked back through the woods and into the open world and I knew in those last few steps before emerging from the Forrest…once again…she had changed me………
Next…a boy met a girl (the recap) and the letter that never was…

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