A bad man and the devils return…

(Entry 14. This dark chapter of my life is penned to the haunting sound of greenday-wake me up when September ends).

You have to understand…all my hours were devoted to seeing her, when not with her I thought about her, so, even a week apart was torture.
As you know I learned to balance my life when time apart came between us but! After our last summer together…I was struggling…cracks were beginning to show, I wandered around town, my mood conveyed the approaching storm…cracks were showing…and I didn’t care! Soon enough I could push her from my mind entirely…I had to didn’t i? What life was this?!? Only…the only way I could push her from my mind was with blind rage, because I didn’t want to stop thinking about her…I changed…and not in a good way…
With a reputation that followed me from Highschool and my appearance (6ft3 and 16 stone bodybuilder) it wasn’t long before I was approached by a bad man…he offered me work…like a fool, I gave the devil mouth to mouth and helped him up onto my back…truly it was the devils return…I became truly lost…the reputation from Highschool was replaced by one it would take me an age to remove…from that moment on I fed my rage, I was given unlimited supply of ‘good’ to do so…hurting people because I was hurting became my life…they bled, my hands bled…my heart bled and further and further she slipped from thought…and further and further I slipped from humanity. I was adored by the bad men…a champion in their world…nobody could stand against me because…in order to kill the beast…you have to become the beast…nobody could become what I was…and still a child…I hadn’t grown into what I am today (but today…I protect…not hurt). I was put into the most dangerous situations, I was stabbed, burned, hit with bars and bottles…but my evil was great…I was always the one to leave…if she saw me now…what would she think…who had I become…one day sat in my room in the early hours of the morning (sleep had been a thing of the past for a long time now). The room was silent…no breeze no open windows nothing…my shoebox fell from off the top of my cupboard…I froze staring at it…my memory box of her…instantly images of her flashed in my mind…I pushed them away quickly…I don’t remember what happened next…all I remember is waking with her letter in my hands…I jumped up and ran to where the bad man were…I unleashed the full force of my pain onto them…there are no more bad men in my town anymore…
I found myself outside a church, it was closed but that didn’t stop me staring up into the heavens and asking for forgiveness…
A lot happened in these dark months but I cannot tell this chapter full…for my sanity…and my soul…
So there I was, standing in the street alone in the world as I had frightened and distanced myself from everyone…and as though as in answer to my prayer…an elderly woman…walked past me, smiled and said ‘hello young man’…she didn’t see a beast…she saw a kid stood at the side of the road…nothing more…I said goodbye to those days and I had a nickname which I won’t reveal here…I said out load ”insert nickname here”…is dead’…and I hugged the devil and forgave him and like breath in the winter…he vanished…
Next…the wolf pack and lost days…

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